Living in America - Why do our Women "Fight" the other Kids?

By Reuelson Tough

Permit me to discuss a burning issue with you. I have had this conversation with several African men who are in pains over the attitude of their wives towards their children from previous relationships. The sad truth is that the majority of our men believe that (most) African women are bad! The complaint is that our women refuse to accommodate children from their husbands’ previous relationship. Some even go as far as asking their husbands to choose between them or these children. Others pretend to accommodate the children but make their lives a living hell just  to frustrate them into leaving the family home. 

I need help here, what is it exactly that our women are really fighting for? Is it for land  Africa or real estate in America, or the fact that their biological children will share the love of their fathers with their step-siblings? 

 Now, if the problem is who inherits what; pray, what stops a man from writing a will and bequeathing his share of the community property (if he is in a community property state) or his estate to whomever he wants? What stops a man from sharing his estate equitably between all his children? Now I am not sure what happens if the man dies intestate; I guess the current wife may disinherit his other children if she is the greedy type. 

Why can’t these women treat their husbands’ children as their own? Why should there be all these fighting and railing over children? One guy was lamenting that his wife threatened to walk out of the marriage because she wanted him to drive away his children but he refused. Why?  I simply can’t get it; and the irony of it is that some of these women who put up these fights had knowledge of the existence of these kids prior to their marriage, and some of them even came from polygamous homes. They are therefore not alien to the concept of step-children. Perhaps I am old fashioned but I believe that regardless of how the child came to be let him/ her thrive and as well as others.

We need to start addressing this issue as it is affecting our community.  It is rather offensive to hear some women address their husbands’ children as “the children their husbands had with akata”---what does that mean exactly? Does it mean that these children are any less because their mothers are not Africans? I equally despise men who abandon their children, especially the children they had with African-American women. Some of our men think that once they are paying a couple of dollars in child support that they have done their bit. Heck No!  Being a man and being a father is much more than paying a couple of dollars and calling your children occasionally— that doesn’t make you a father, but it makes you a sperm donor. 

 Some of our spineless men give in to their wives’ nagging and blackmail, and sever their relationships with their children only to live with guilt and regret all their lives. I must say some of us men are plainly irresponsible and don’t even need the prompting of a nagging or myopic wife to sever relationship, they do it all by themselves.  Here we are celebrating Obama today but you need to sit back and reflect; ---when Obama’s father “moved on”, little did he know that he just sired the first black American president.  So many of you out there have abandoned your children and walked away from the children you sired with African American women or even African women --- do you know what those children will be in the future? How do you know that the children you are spending time with now will amount to anything or even take care of you in your old age?

Christmas is around the corner, will you care enough to call that boy or girl you sired and talk to him/her father (parent) to son/daughter?  Will you care enough to extend this season goodwill to your children? Do you care about how he/she is doing in school? Do you counsel him about the dangers of peer pressure and gang banging? Deny it all you want but that’s your flesh and blood right there regardless of who the mother was (is).  If your child turns out bad and ends up as one of the statistics in the criminal justice system, note that you hugely contributed to it.  You were never there to be a role model!   Please don’t abandon your children or kick out your child because of a woman you imported from the village (or even from the town---makes no difference). Be a real man and say NO to such pressure.

And women, don’t use children as a bargaining chip. I have seen women who deny their ex-spouses access to their children because of past hurt feelings and the fallout from divorce. It shouldn’t be so. Those children should not be made to pay for the sins of their father!!  It is sad that we are in a society where divorce is the order of the day, and things have turned upside down here, but then, children need the stability of having a relationship with both parents - don’t deny them that because you want to punish that punk who  hurt you so much! Let your children have access to daddy/mommy; it is good for their self esteem! It should be about the children and not about you, so take your pride and your vendetta out of the way---you are hurting your own kids!! Shouldn’t you care? 

 And men, when you go home to marry and you happen to have kids already please share this vital information with your bride-to-be and her parents. Drum it into their excited heads that you have children and that you will not drive your children away for any reason. If she cannot handle the thought of sharing you with your children then she better beat it!  Well, it’s sad that some of our women have mastered the art of deception, and keep on smiling while concealing their real intent (once they see guys from abroad) - and there is no crystal ball to tell you that the beautiful smiling and “shy” damsel who eagerly acquiesced to everything you said is only putting up a front, and has a private agenda.

One guy narrated how the wife used to call him from Africa when he was dating her and would assure him that once she came to America, she would help him raise his kids as her own; help him with his bills and make his life heaven on earth bla bla bla.  This woman would go to his parent’s house, clean up everywhere, cook and act like a little angel.  In fact, when he was dilly dallying about whether to marry her or not, his father told him he would commit suicide if he didn’t marry this woman. And before he knew what hit him, his father had already gone to do wine carrying on his behalf! Well, as soon as she got to the United States, she showed her true colors.  She decided that his children (who visited once in a while) ate too much and that she could not contribute towards the housekeeping because that would give the husband extra money to pay his child support and all that… long story short, they are now battling it out in court, with her bragging to her friends that he was the fool she used to come to America. 

 Well, I hope women don’t get offended that I am being hard on my fellow women, but I speak the truth in love. I have heard far too many complaints about this issue for it not to be addressed. Why are our women being mean and too territorial? What are we fighting for? Can we learn to treat our husbands’ children from previous marriages as our own?  Think about it; what if you die and your husband had to re-marry, would you like your children to be treated any less?  What if you are divorced, wouldn’t you like your children to be happy in their fathers’ house regardless of who is the new mistress of the home? 

My advice to any man going through this is to call your wife’s bluff.  If she threatens to vacate her marital home because of your children, then by all means let her move on.  For every woman that leaves, there are thousands out there who are more than ready to occupy her seat (the same goes for men too; for every man that walks out, we have thousands who are ready and praying to move in, especially if the woman is hard working and has disposable income; and in this economic downturn many brothers are hungry – a topic for another day).

So what exactly are we fighting for? If we were in Africa, then I could understand that the women are fighting for palm trees, breadfruit trees and homestead (real properties and the right of the first born male to inherit the family homestead). However, we all know that children born here do not have the least interest in relocating back home talk less of fighting for land; nor do they know or care for their family land boundaries.  In fact, it will be foolhardy to assume that the mansion you spent sleepless nights working round the clock in America to build in your village will be inhabited by your made-in-the USA descendants – unless, of course, you took steps to send them home in their formative years to get accustomed to our culture and traditions. Even then, what’s the guarantee that they will still go back home when we their parents did not deem it fit to stay in Africa?  

So, what are our women fighting for? The same applies to some of men married to women with kids from previous marriages / relationships.

Comments

[Gan Charles]

Here are my two cents:
1) Marry someone you want and not the one your family has chosen for you. You will save yourself a lot of trouble. At the end of the day only you will have to deal with the problems in your marriage.
2) Marry someone you have A LOT in common with. You will never be 100% compatible with one another. Those who have been in America for a while have experiences that very few back in Cameroon can understand. Save yourself some grief.
3) Families may want to feel like they are doing you a favour by finding a wife for you, but in most cases you know little about this person and in case of problems the family presure that may come to bear is thousands of miles away when that person is already in America.
4) Lastly, be honest with your new bride. Do not misrepresent. Whether it is about existing kids, how much money you have or the type of job you do.
Happy wedding!

[Danny Boy]

Ruelson,

"If she threatens to vacate her marital home because of your children, then by all means let her move on."
I would say, buy her a one-way ticket and send her back to her parents! That way she does not benefit from her scheming!
Problem is many lie low until you have sorted their stay, then their real agenda begin to surface. Hating your children from your previous relaionships might only be an excuse!
Terrible!

[Kumbaboy]

Treat your spouse well. Kindness, honesty and fedelity must be in place. Usually, the new wife is transmitting the hurt she gets from the husband, ocassionally with amplification, to the other children.

The are horror stories in the Cameroonian community. Forcing the other children to have cold baths, handwash their own clothing, go to school without breakfast, return to a home without cooked meals under the pretext of waiting for "Daddy" are commonplace.

If you treat the new madam well, a rarity with many Cameroonian men in America, then your other kids are more likely to get same from Madam when you are not at home. All new madams look at your cell phone statement to know who you may be talking to.

[Bob Bristol]

When there is a feeling of insecurity ( financial and otherwise) anything can happen. But the whole issue boils down to mentality. The limitation of the "self" is the root cause of this. Some women simply exploit the weaknesses of their partners. When a wife becomes the husband, .....

[Ras tuge]

The girl that would make me abandon me two wonderful little boys ain't born yet. Man dis rotten attitude is widespread among some of these vindictive and useless chicks from Africa. Dem make alot of noise, but can't even sex!

Silly chatty-mouth dem from England dem say a wey me ado witha good Babylon girl? Another one say darling i love you, and i promise to climb di Bumboklaat mountain and swim di Indian ocean for you. Africa girls dem look innocent and harmless till dem get released from the cage. Then they become killers! But me just too smart fi dem.

[Peter Forkou]

I am really tired of people bashing our African women who come here and work hard to maintain a home. Most of these kids that you are talking about are from relationships that these men could not handle. Cameroonian men have a lot to blame for the actions of these women. When they get loans and go back home to get married they don't give the real picture of their situations here in the US, and when these girls come they are disappointed and I see with them. Why are we always moving from one woman to another leaving children behind? The answer to this question will solve the mystery that this author is trying to blame on Cameroonian women whether they be from the village or not. I still don't understand why people ask their parents to look for women for them. Didn't they have sweet hearts when they were growing up? I am confuse about these.
Don't disparage our women, they are working hard to keep some of the men you are trying to support.

[JJ Thompson]

My dear friend, please refrain from generalising based on personal experiences. Go into the community and do your homework before you post an article on such a topic. I would love to see numbers. By numbers, I mean percentages of what ever you are trying to portray, based on a sample.
Thanks

[Watchman Neva]

Our African men and women have a problem. We think America is heaven. As good as America may appear, it has its downside. We have allowed materialism to control the way we think and act. We think money is the answer. We have given a false impression to others back home about America. We have given the impression that America is a land of sweat-less prosperity and that it is easy to make lots of money here. Thats why we borrow money for weddings, etc. When we get back home we do not tell the truth of what we do and what we earn. We pretend to be what we are not.

If we dream of raising a family, lets aim for a quality family, not dysfunctional families of children here and there. American materialism is destroying African families here. We have pursued money to the detriment of quality family upbringing. Many of us say we are here for the sake of our children. We are fighting for their future to give them a better future than what we have in Cameroon,Africa. The truth is, so many of these children will grow to be misfits neither fitting in this system nor in the African system. Let us pray and seek God's face about how we are raising our children here in America. Money and materialism is not the answer. Let us seek God's face and God's ways.

[Ma Mary]

Watchman Neva has a point there. People come to America and fall in love with stuff and the accumulation of stuff. Then the children suffer. You asked the question that came to mind after I read this article. Who are these children from former relationships? A powerful consideration for not having kids with multiple partners is the children. Even when it is hard, stay married because you love your kids. OK, it is not a perfect world, but the fairy tales are full of stories about wicked step parents. When a patriarch lion dies, is killed or chased away by another lion, the new boss lion goes around and murders the young cubs sired by the former boss. There is something dark and primal and scary about the stepchild/step parent relationship, and it is in the literature and the world myths for a reason. Don't get me wrong. A lot of step parents are excellent, but you never know! Do not put your kids into that situation if at all possible.