By
Dr. Peter Wuteh Vakunta
1.Introduction
I greet you all in the name of our Father, His Son Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. The text of this discourse can be found in 1Corinthians 12:14-26:
Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. If the whole body where an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has arranged the parts of the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body. The eye cannot say to the hand,” I don’t need you! And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable we treat with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it [NIV]
I will commence this write-up with two simple, straightforward questions: what constitutes a healthy family? What are the traits of a functional family? As I see it, a healthy family exhibits the following salient characteristics which will be discussed at length in this paper.
2.Traits of a Functional Family
A family that is deemed functional is all sheds of the meaning exhibits the following characteristics:
2.1 Unconditional Love
In a healthy family, love is not given or withheld on the basis of achievement. If you’re born in a functional family, you should sense your parents’ or relatives’ love regardless of what you have achieved or failed to achieve in life. Healthy families are not perfectionistic. To put this differently, in a healthy functional family, people are given the freedom to make mistakes. They are confident that they can make mistakes and learn from them without chastisement. In this sort of family, people tend to be true to themselves.
2.2. Truth and Honesty
Truth is an indispensable constituent of Christ-like love in a functional family. This fact of life is buttressed in Matthew 5: 37: “But let your ‘yes’ be ‘yes’ and your ‘no’ be ‘no.’ Anything more than this is from the evil one.”[NIV] One of the fastest ways to destroy a family relationship is dishonesty. You cannot have a fruitful relationship with lies (Psalms 34:12; Proverbs 19:1; 2 Corinthians 8:21 and Colossians 3:9). Your family members need to know that they can rely on your word, and know that you speak truth. It can feel easier to lie to protect yourself from others by covering yourself with deceit, but this will only lead to heartbreak and destruction. Complete honesty is not possible without the Holy Spirit leading your words and actions.
2.3. No Naming and Shaming
In a healthy family, there is no naming and shaming when trouble arises. In healthy families, members talk realistically about misunderstandings. They discuss tensions and troubles. The emphasis is always on: what can we do to help improve the situation? Members of a functional family openly confront problematic situations without naming and blaming the source of the problem. This attitude is derived from the Christ-like concept of acceptance. Sometimes it can feel like everything is going wrong, and we are trapped in our circumstances. We become overwhelmed by worries about the future. In functional families, members are cognizant of the fact that our eternal reassurance in the face of conflict is the fact that God’s love for us is constant (Romans 8:31; Acts 10:34-35; John 6:37 and 1 Samuel 16:7). In a functional family, no one is quarantined on the basis of dissenting views.
2.4. Zero Family Doghouse
Not everyone reading this essay may be familiar with the notion of ‘doghouse.’ The concept of ‘doghouse’ is used here figuratively. It translates the notion of rejection by family members. In a dysfunctional family, a member who fails to conform to family norms is sent to the doghouse or excluded from the family. For instance, a parent may not talk to the child for days because s/he failed a test or performed poorly at a sporting event. Or, a wife may not talk to her husband for a week and vice versa on account of a disagreement on the choice of the color of a family car. Being in the doghouse is painful and we know it! The family doghouse is not only awful; it is unchristian. Regardless of the circumstances, members of a functional family endeavor to comfort each other because they are confident that the Lord will comfort them all. The concept of Christian love is buttressed by Biblical references (Psalm 23:4; Psalm 119: 49-50; Isaiah 66:13, Matthew 5:4 and 2 Corinthians 1:3-4).
The question that begs to be posed at this juncture is how to apply these principles to building a robust church family. Having identified some of the major problems that tend to give birth to dysfunctionality in biological families, how do we ensure that this never happens in our Christian families? What follows are my antidotes to the likelihood of dysfunctionality in religious families.
Forgiving someone who has hurt us can be a tough call but as Christians, we are called to forgive one another regardless of the degree to which we have been hurt by their words or actions. And we must be frank about forgiveness. In a book titled No Future without Forgiveness (1999), Desmond Mpilo Tutu observes that forgiveness and reconciliation are not something that we enter into facilely. Forgiving someone who has hurt you means that you no longer call to mind their faults or errors. Total forgiveness extends grace to the forgiven and freedom to the forgiver. But this is not something that comes naturally or easily, especially when the hurt has been caused by someone you trusted or loved. This level of forgiveness is only possible by leaning on the Holy Spirit within you, and allowing Him to take control of cleaning your heart. To do this effectively, we must know the Word, because the Word is your ammunition and armor against the machinations of the devil. The comforting news is that the Bible arms us against the principalities of evil (Ephesians 6:12-14). Unconditional love makes total forgiveness feasible.
As devout Christians, our calling is to love unconditionally. In the Bible we are told that God is love (1 John 4:16). We’re reminded of God’s boundless love in several scriptural readings (Luke 6: 27-28; 1 Corinthians 13:4-8; 1 Peter 4:8, and 1 John 4:9). In a seminal work titled Eight Habits of Love: Open Your Heart, Open Your Mind (2012), Ed Bacon notes that “When we open our hearts and minds to love’s abundance, we can transform not only our own lives, but also the lives of those around us, making the world a more just, peaceful, and caring place.”(ix) During His ministry on earth Jesus encountered people who didn’t seem appreciative— like the nine people healed of leprosy who never said thank you to Jesus. Jesus encountered people out to get Him, to trick Him, to trap Him, to accuse Him, and even to kill Him! But, Jesus didn’t say ‘Forget it! I’ll exclude you from my love. No! He just kept on extending His love to them. When we in the Christian family imitate Christ, people wouldn’t have to earn our love. We must love and accept one another just as Christ has loved and accepted us (Romans 15:7).
Acceptance is favorable reception; or approval. It is the state of being recognized or acknowledged. In our religious family, we must accept one another unconditionally, just as God accepts us with all our sins (Acts 10:34-35). Sometimes, church members may be made to feel that people who give big donations to the church are more important than those who give little. Far from it! Jesus makes it clear that this is not true. Remember the widow’s offering? (Mark 12:41-44) But the illusion persists in many churches across the globe today. In some churches around the world, the temptation is great to reward those who already have a decided advantage— those who were born beautiful, or intelligent, or wealthy or inherited a last name that everyone respects. But this is not Christ-like. The Bible enjoins us to accept people for who they are (1 Samuel 16:7; Romans 5: 8; Romans 8:31 and Acts 10: 34-35). As bona fide Christians, our call is to emulate Jesus.
As members of the family of Christ Jesus, we are enjoined to be Christ-like in our demeanor and comportment. The way we treat people must reflect our respect for humans as part of God’s creation. This presupposes mutual respect and boundless love for fellow Christians in our congregation. These truths are expressed succinctly in the Scriptures (Romans 12: 3-6; Romans 12:16; Mark 9:35; Philippians 2:3; and James 3:13). It is our Christian calling to show compassion to one another as Christ did. Last but not least, Christians are expected to embrace fair competition.
The truth of the matter is that we are competitive creatures. Look around you, you’ll perceive all sorts of competitive attitudes—some healthy; others not so healthy. As practicing Christians, it behooves us to steer clear of cut-throat competition. We have seen some great leaders fall from grace to grass on account of odious competition. We have seen brothers and sisters at daggers drawn as a result of deleterious competition. The story about the sale of Joseph into slavery by his competitive and jealous brothers in the Bible lends credence to my observation (Genesis 37:18-36). Integrity is not something that is suddenly acquired; we have to work hard at acquiring it. As church members, Godly integrity is expected of us at all times. It dictates that we be consistent in our values, decisions, attitudes and speech day in day out (Proverbs 10:19; Proverbs 28:6; 2 Corinthians 8:21; Colossians 3:23-24 and 1Peter 3:16). These attitudes are biblically endorsed and should constitute the bedrock of our Christian values.
Conclusion
In a nutshell, in this essay I have shed ample light on the attitudes that we need to adopt as we strive toward building a stronger and extensive Christian community at home and in the diaspora. We are many parts of the same body as succinctly explicated in the 1 Corinthians text cited above. The crux of my discourse has been the attributes of a functional Christian family. As the family of Christ, we need to pray fervently and incessantly for continued solidarity among our members. Most importantly, we need to pray for the growth of our churches at home and in the diaspora. Matthew the Evangelist said in his scriptures: “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few” (Matthew 9:37). I will round off this discussion by extending an invitation to all Christian brethren to join me in the following prayer:
Lord God,
We praise You for the tenderness of Your mercy.
Your nature is not to point a harsh finger,
Of blame or to shame us when we sin.
But You surprise us with Your kindness
And gently call us to Your better way. Amen.
Professor Peter Wuteh Vakunta, Ph.D.
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